Finding Me

I am a 44 year old woman who has lost herself. I have three beautiful children, a loving and supporting husband, a great job and lots of dogs.  I’m sure you are asking what’s the problem.  The problem is somewhere along this journey I have lost me.

Outside of my family and work I cannot tell you what I like, what I want to do, hobbies, dislikes…the list goes on and one.  It has come to the point where I am completely disgusted with myself and ready for change.

Where did things change?  I am not really sure.  Dom and I have been married 11 years, almost 12 at this point  :).  Along that way we suffered 3 failed attempts at in-vitro, several miscarriages, both of us going to nursing school, several moves including one across county to Alaska, foster care and adoption journey, buying a house and an extramarital affair.  In between all of these life events I think I have been to busy to think about anything except moving to the next step or getting through the next crisis and I lost myself during the shuffle.

Things I want to change:

1. My weight.  I stand here looking at myself and I am so unhappy with my weight.  SO I am going to do something about it.
2. My looks:  I am going to try to be happy with me and find out what makes me feel pretty.  I am always caught up in how others perceive me.  I feel ugly.  My husband tells me I look beautiful, but all I see when I look in the mirror is a 44 year old middle aged woman who is obese and ugly.  I need to start looking at myself and seeing something other than this.  What will this take?  I have absolutely no idea.  I just know I am tried of being ugly and fat.
3. I want to be happy with what i have accomplished in a day.  Instead of looking at what I haven;t sone I should be happy with what I have done.  I have three children who are 3, 2 and 1. 2 of them have special needs and have tons of therapies.  I have 16 appointments with all of the therapies Monday – Thursday.  I also work full-time on the weekends in our local ER.  I recently passed my CEN ( a national certificate for the ER) and I have my CCRN (national certification for ICU) SO why do I feel like I haven’t accomplished anything during this time.  I feel like a bad mother and wife, because I run out of time, I don’t have dinner ready and I have to ask for help.
4. I want to learn to be less critical of myself.  As you can read above I am super hard on myself.

I am sure I will add to this list but it is a start.  This was a huge step for me to start this blog and share my feelings.  I am a control freak and like to present this front where I have everything together. I may be the only one who ever reads this but it is a start.